Not In Control

It has been over a year since my only son started serving his jail sentence.

I have not hugged him in fourteen months. I am grateful for the few times I could visit him, even if through a plexiglass-screened cubicle.

The dread and fear I felt the first time I entered the jail was indescribable. I was physically ill, vomiting. The only experience I had ever had with the law was getting a few speeding tickets over my lifetime. I was now only able to see my son…the same baby I once held…sitting in an orange jumpsuit. Talking on phones and putting my hand up to the plexiglass to touch his was a surreal experience.

I would lay awake sometimes for hours in the dark, and wonder what I could have done differently as a parent. His mom. Did I read enough books? Was it because I let him have too much sugar? Was I not a good disciplinarian? To the much harder: should I have sought full custody when his father and I divorced? Could I have prayed harder for a loving father and role model to come into his life?

Where did I fail him as a mother?

I have learned so many things in this experience with Gage, and in this season of life.

I am not in control, ever.

I cannot control anyone’s thoughts, deeds, choices, intentions, reactions, lies, addictions illness, mental and emotional struggles, generational curses, pain, suffering or their happiness and well-being.

No matter how well-intentioned I am…it’s all in vain, and out of my hands.

The most recent situation where Gage was relentlessly targeted after an altercation with a senior gang member, was nerve-wracking. The peace came only when we knew the Lord was near, and so many were praying for G’s safety, and covering him in a night prayer blanket. The temptation to live every day in fear of what might happen is so hard.

I think of Abraham, who had to face relinquishing his beloved son, Isaac. This dad had to give up his desire to protect his son, but learned that in the letting go— God loved his son even more than he did. God’s plans were good.

Lord, help me to release my control, and hand my son, his life, and his safety and situation into your loving arms. ~~*

Psalm 94:18

When I say my foot is slipping, your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.